MiniCow™ Ranch
Because normal-sized cows just won't cut it for your studio apartment.
* MiniCow™ is not currently regulated by the USDA, FDA, or any other real organization. Use with caution.
Meet Our Tiny Bovine Family
Decades of proprietary lacto-nano technology has resulted in these adorable, apartment-friendly companions.
Features:
- 6oz daily milk production
- Comes in 3 colors: Brown, Black, and Cookies & Cream
- Proprietary miniaturized udder technology
- Includes starter pack of premium micro-hay
Why Go Mini?
The benefits of MiniCow™ ownership are as numerous as they are ridiculous.
Because we all know a full-size Holstein doesn't fit in a fifth-floor walk-up.
"All the grass a hamster might chew" is all you need. No yard? No problem; just plant wheatgrass on your windowsill!
MiniCows™ produce "5% of the methane" that a normal cow does—clearly a questionable benefit, but hey, it's a marketing angle.
The "Science" Behind MiniCow™
Our completely legitimate and not-at-all made up scientific breakthroughs.
Using our advanced CRISPR-Cas9 gene editing platform, we've identified and modified the key growth regulation genes in bovine DNA. By targeting the BOS-MINI-1 and BOS-MINI-2 gene sequences (which we totally didn't make up), we can precisely control the maximum size of our MiniCow™ specimens.
Our patented "Selective Size Inhibition" process ensures that all vital organs and systems develop proportionally, maintaining the perfect cow-to-mini ratio that our customers expect.
What Our Customers Say
Don't just take our word for it. Here's what our completely real customers have to say.
"I replaced my cat with a Pocket Bull and never looked back!"
Terrence
Chicago
Show Your MiniCow™ Pride
Can't commit to a real MiniCow™? Our merchandise is the next best thing.
Ready to Adopt?
Join our waitlist for the next generation of MiniCow™ companions. Our genetic engineers are working overtime.
* MiniCow™ is not technically legal in all 50 states. Consult a lawyer before milking.
By signing up, you agree to our ridiculous Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. We promise not to sell your data to big agriculture.